Beautiful

Lucy: LOOK WHAT MY BROTHER JUST EMAILED ME! : One of laura’s aunt’s kindergarten students told her that she was the most beautiful teacher because when she smiled, she looked like garfield.

Dear Landlord, My Closet’s Broken

Lucy: I just called the landlord and let him have it
it’s awkward to speak sharply to someone so nice,
but i’m so sick of crap breaking!

Me: What happened?

Lucy: Well, he didn’t fix our garbage disposal, and the sink in the bathroom is broken now!
i said to him, “i’m tired of calling you every week. it’s always something”
i was like, “please go through our apartment and check to make sure nothing else is going to break.”

Me: Hahahaha!
Oh. Shit.

Lucy: I mean, we’re PAYING to live here!

Me: He’s going to go into my room and see the enormous pile of clothes in there and be like, “Shit. The closet’s broken.”

Lucy: Unfortunately, he said he didn’t want to do that. he said he gets tons of calls about stuff breaking, and that all he can do is fix stuff.
I was just silent

Me: What’d he say then?

Lucy: He said, “this is an old building, and frankly it was never class A”

Me: No shit.

Lucy: It’s like, oh REALLY?i thought i saw it on MTV Cribs

Lucy: And the next time i call, i’m going to tell him that we’ll go to the county if we complain about another thing that doesn’t get fixed immedately

Me: I’m scared.

Lucy: Haha! Don’t worry.

Me: Speaking of recompense, this woman is suing her college for the money she spent on tuition, because now she’s unemployed.

Lucy: Talk about entitlement.

Me: If she wins, I have 2 schools to sue for retroactive unemployment.

Not Much There

Kristin: Do you want to follow me to Michael’s?

Me: Ok

K: The Michael’s at Seven Corners is good because there’s also a Jo-Ann’s Fabric AND a G Street Fabric
Three craft stores all right next to each other!

K: I call it “Craft Coalition.”

Me: At first I read G String Fabrics. Just G strings.
Not much there.

K: Very limited inventory.
Barely serves a purpose.

Holding It In

Kristin: Angieeeeeeeee
I am a peeing machine, but I LOVE holding it in!

Another Celebrity Death

K: Oh no. Another celebrity death.

Me: Really? Who?

K: The Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials.

Me: Tragic.

K: He died of a stroke. At 15.

Me: Whoa. 15? He must have been doing tons of blow.

K: Oh, really nice. Why? Because he’s Mexican?

Classic

K: We’re doing the father-daughter dance to this old classic.

K: It’s called “Butterfly Kisses”.

Me: OLD CLASSIC???

K: Yeah, they play it at a lot of weddings.

Me: Yeah, I know. That song is neither old NOR classic.

K: I’ve heard it my whole life!

Me: Maybe if you were born in 1995. At the earliest. Look it up.

K: 1997.

Me: Yeah, like that old classic “Achy Breaky Heart”.

I’m New Here

I was i-chatting Lucy about a work-related thing. Some woman she’d talked to had sent me an e-mail, and I had no idea what it was about.

Lucy: I just told her that no one here knows what’s going on.

[pause]

Lucy: Just kidding.

Me: I was about to write, “Uh…maybe we shouldn’t… I mean, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to say…”

Lucy: Haha! This girl at my old job used to say stuff like that all the time.

Me: Really?

Lucy: Yeah. And she’d always say, “I’m new here.” Even after she’d worked there nine months.

Me: Haha! I always thought the unspoken window period for  legitimately using “I’m new here” was about two weeks. And even then: use sparingly.

Lucy: I know. Exactly.

Me: Hahahaha! “I’m NEW here.” I’m gonna start saying that. “Yeah, I’ve only been here less than 3 years.”

Lucy: Though after about 4 months she started saying, “I’m sorta new here.”

Ordering a Bridesmaid Dress for Kristin’s Wedding

Me: They didn’t ask for your name

Kristin: Really? All the other girls said they gave them my name!

Me: Well, she asked what the date was, and I said September 1st.

Me: I’m still on the phone. I’ll tell her it’s actually September 11th.

Kristin: It’s September 12th.

Me: Oh, shit.

Kristin: Not the 11th.

Kristin: Though I’ll never forget.

I-Chat with Tricia

Me: I’m tired.

Me: I think I’m gonna leave at 5.

T: You should.

Me: I’m gonna.

Me:

T: is the coil supposed to mimic lightning/ electricity?

Me: It’s supposed to mimic the downward spiral of our culture from that point on.

I-Chat to Lucy

Me: I just started a blog.

Lucy: HAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHA

Lucy: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lucy:HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!

Lucy: HHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!!!!!